Lattes & Laughter

My prayer in this time of uncertainty

There is no way to politely describe what this world is currently experiencing. This shit is horrible. People are dying by the masses. There is an air of fear and anxiety permeating every level of our existence. Our grocery store shelves are bare, people have lost employment, children have lost their safe place in the form of schools and/or child care. The consequences of this virus will be felt for years to come. Our sisters and brothers who are on the ground fighting, will no doubt experience trauma related to the lives they could have saved “if only….”. They will be haunted by the despair, pain and insurmountable amount of loss they have witnessed.

Families are experiencing loss that will haunt them forever. So many questions, so many “what ifs” and thoughts of what could have been, if different actions were taken. Personally, I wonder how this pandemic will change our world. I question if we will ever go back to “normal.”

Despite the despair we are living through, the optimistic in me cannot help but hope for some positivity when we reach the other side. So here is mundane prayer for us all…

I pray that those who are able embrace the quiet. That they are able to find rest in their down time. I pray that creativity is unlocked. I pray that too busy parents use this time to reconnect with their children. I pray that old friends find each other again. I pray that people reignite their love of board games, home cooked food and laughter with loved ones. I pray for safety. I pray for health. I pray for hope.

But more than anything, I pray that we all engage in collective healing and re-emerge with more gratitude, peace, and love for one another than ever before ❤️.

Monday Moment

Took a moment to pause, observe and appreciate my surroundings.

Self-care: Investing in our mental and emotional wellbeing

The term self-care has gained quite the notoriety in recent years. People are talking about it in their personal lives and organizations are even discussing it and encouraging their employees to participate in it. But what does self-care mean? And for all the talk how does one actually “do” self-care. We all know that getting a massage or treating yourself to a nice dinner can be extremely relaxing. However, the truth is many people cannot afford to indulge in those activities. Below are some things we can do to take care of ourselves mentally and emotionally:

Assess the energy (people) you allow in your personal space and adjust accordingly
1. Pay attention to how you feel when certain people enter your space. Do you feel tense when this person is around? Do you feel less sure of yourself in their presence? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel energized by conversing with them or do you feel drained?
1. Limit the time you spend with people who bring negative energy to your space. Increase the time you spend with people who bring positive energy, you will physically feel the difference these small changes make in your life.
Find activities that you enjoy and spend more time doing them
1. What helps you boost your mood? Music, spending time with friends, enjoying nature. Identify what makes you feel good and spend more time doing so. Pay particular attention to activities that you “lose yourself in” these activities allow you to be fully present in the moment.
Forgive yourself, as often as you need to
1. How many of us have laid in bed at night replaying our mistakes? We replay the many things that we could have done differently or ruminate on things we missed or forgot to do. Forgive yourself and forgive yourself often. A previous supervisor would say the following: “I am doing the best that I can and I can do better” and this is a phrase that I say to myself often. Sometimes I do my best and I still fall short, I forgive myself for my shortcomings and work to do better next time.
Find your peeps!
1. Sounds simple, right? Find people who are like minded, who are catalysts for your personal growth, who are encouraging and who are honest with you. This may take some time, but it is worth it.
Take a break
1. We constantly hear about the importance of taking time off. However, many of us struggle to enjoy our down time. We are inundated with images of people who are “booked and busy.” But the reality is rest is vital to our health. Take breaks when you can, enjoy a day in bed binging on your favorite television show or with a good book. Your physical and mental health with thank you.

Recognizing psychological abuse

woman hugging another woman You cannot see it, you cannot take pictures of it, and for many people they don’t even know its happening. However, the effects of psychological abuse are devastating. Psychological abuse is a thief that robs you of your identity, your self-esteem and your ability to trust yourself. You lose the essence of who you are as person. Even after the ties have been severed it may take years of dedicated work to completely heal.

Psychological abuse is often difficult to identify, here are some signs to look for:

You are frequently subjected to unwarranted criticism and demands that are not realistic.
You find it difficult to trust your own judgment, you start questioning yourself and your decisions.
You find yourself walking on eggshells without being able to identify why.
Prior to entering a relationship, you are confident, now your confidence is decreasing, you feel less and less like yourself.
You find yourself riddled with feelings of guilt and shame.
You find yourself in a state of hypervigilance when your partner is around. You adjust your behavior and your words in an attempt to avoid “setting them off.”
When your partner is not around you feel as though you can breathe, that a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
When your partner is around you feel like a shadow of your true self.
You are inundated with feelings of worthlessness, never doing anything right, guilt, shame, hopelessness and fear.
When you try to address the concerning behavior you are accused of overreacting or being sensitive.
You share something very important with the abuser and they respond with dismissiveness (wave you away or ignore you completely).
The abuser uses manipulation tactics to get you to do what they want.
The abuser sees you crying and upset yet does nothing.
The abuser uses the silent treatment and withholds affection as a “punishment.”

Psychological abuse is often talked about in terms of intimate partner relationships. However, it is also prevalent in familial (particularly parent-child relationships) relationships, and friendships.

If you or someone you know have experienced psychological abuse resources are available. National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1-800-799-7233 which can provide referrals for services in all 50 states.

♥ S

Defining success and failure

Spend some time thinking about how you define success and how you define failure. This was the homework given to me in my last therapy session. It sounds simple enough, right? Turns out I struggled coming up with a definition that was my own. I immediately began to run through a checklist of material possessions that equate success, the “American Dream starter kit.” This kit often includes the following: a college degree, a job, a house in the suburbs with a yard…in the “good” school district, a couple of cars, a couple of kids and maybe a pet or two. I pondered over this list realizing several items have been personal goals however achieving them did not make me feel successful.

The truth is I had no idea what success looks like for me. On the other hand, when I thought about failure the answer was more clear. Failure feels like letting myself down, it is disappointing and makes me question my capabilities. Failure is the distance between what I hope to achieve, and where I am currently. I picture failure to look something like this:

Failure lives in the valley, between my current status and my dreams.

Being in the valley does not necessitate failure in and of itself. Staying there for an extended period of time does. Success on the other hand, I am still bleary on. I do know, success is personal and I do not believe it is a one time event. Success for me is more of journey, where I am living within my purpose, learning from my failures and accomplishing my goals along the way.

A Simple Saturday

After a long week of “social working”, I thoroughly enjoy a quiet day at home. This means there is nothing on my “to do list” there are no tasks to be completed…the day is mine to do as I choose. Today I chose to indulge in self-care.

I slept in this morning, I went to the gym, I came home and enjoyed an amazing bubble bath courtesy of this dynamic duo.

I feel that I must make it clear, this is not an add. I am just sharing a couple of my new found products. There is nothing that I love more than a bubble bath. The Epsom salt helps relieve sore muscles and release tension. The foaming bath smells “ah-mazing,” adds a ton of bubbles and leaves my skin feeling soft and smooth.

Following my bath, I enjoyed a great breakfast, that I obviously ate before getting a picture. I drank a cup of coffee and tuned in to one of my favorite shows…Star Trek Voyager.

Captain Janeway and Tuvok…thinking of a master plan.

I will let you in on a little secret…I am a Star Trek fanatic. No, it does not matter which version, I love them all. As I drink my second cup of coffee and watch Captain Janeway maneuver her crew out of yet another tricky situation in the Delta quadrant I am thankful for moments of rest. We all need to take the time to pause and reset. As the quote at the top of the page says, sometimes doing less does much more for us than we realize.

Peace and relaxation.

Consistency

Picture this…it’s December 31st and you have your brand new planner for the new year. It has that intriguingly hopeful new planner smell. It is shiny and patiently awaiting you to fill it. You write down your goals, you even set deadlines for achieving them. You identify the trips you would like to take or a class to expand your knowledge. Oh, don’t forget that twenty pounds from two years ago you still need to lose. You go all out, color coding your calendar, and underlining the really important goals…twice! Then you set your planner on the bookcase, in plain sight never to be touched again, where your goals go off to die a slow soul-crushing death.

“Really think about your goals and how much energy you are truly putting into them. Your routine is costing you.”
Dr. Donna

If you have never experienced this then I applaud you while secretly hating you. However, if you are like me you have found yourself in a cycle. You have brilliant ideas and career changing goals. Yet time and time again you find yourself coming up short. Perhaps you started strong or maybe you never really started. Either way by December you are reflecting on many things that went unaccomplished. The feelings of failure and dissatisfaction are palpable. Those feelings open the door to self-doubt, negative self-talk and questions about your purpose.

In an effort to stop this cycle I have decided to forego my usual list of resolutions. Instead, I have identified my very own word of the year…consistency. This year I will practice the art of consistency. The reality is I have not achieved my goals because I have not consistently devoted time to them. For me, practicing the art of consistency will look a little something like this:

Consistently dedicating time to professional goals
- Find an hour, 3-4 days a week that is solely dedicated to my “side hustles.”
Consistently forgiving myself
- As a mother, wife and social worker I am often faced with having tough conversations and making even harder decisions. I do not always say or do the right thing…why you ask…because I am HUMAN. I will forgive myself for my mistakes and consistently speak positivity into my own life.
Consistently be kind to myself and others
- We are living in highly volatile times. The news is stressful, people talking about the news is stressful and some people are just stressful in general. I simply don’t want to be one of those people, therefore, I will choose kindness.
Consistently ask, “Does this decision bring me closer to my goal or further away?”
- If the answer is yes then I will proceed. If the answer is no, I will not. Side note: This may or may not be about my frequent desire to go through the Dunkin Donut drive through while simultaneously wanting to look good in my clothes.